Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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