Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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