I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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