The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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