Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
