So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
