remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
