So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
