i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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