You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
