seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
