and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
