would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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