i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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