Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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