She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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