So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well I just put wine in my tea
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
