you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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