that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
