You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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