I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
