apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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