Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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