Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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