a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
