Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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