that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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