i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
