I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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