Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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