I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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