it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
