When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
