I am midnight drunk by noon
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
