ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
