May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
