What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
