I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
