Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
