I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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