I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
