Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
