I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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