I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is it because I queefed?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
