Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
