Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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