Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
