if only i could text you this smell
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
