I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
