you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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