just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
