i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
